Thursday, 5 November 2009

The indie Retrenchment Diet™


You. Today. Employed.

Does it take more than an A3 scanner to photocopy your arse? Unsettled by your burgeoning man tits? Can you remember the last time you had sex with the lights on? Want to lose 3kgs in one sitting, and up to 6kgs a week?

My plan™ is simple, tested by yours truly, and involves no exercise or special diet. Just get retrenched!

Step 1. Getting retrenched: roughly like re-living being dumped by all your exes, at once, times 100, in a soulless boardroom. Instant weight loss 3kg - the whole experience is gruelling as running a marathon with The Rosetta Stone on your back.

Warning: Try to avoid going for your boss’s eyes at this moment. It may boost your morale, but appearing on CNN in handcuffs is not such a good extracurricular activity to include in your CV when you’re released 30 years later for involuntary manslaughter.

Step 2. Dinner: Umpteen red wines (170 calories). A bagillion cigarettes (0 calories) - weight loss 0.5 kg.

Step 3. Breakfast: Coffee (80 calories), Despair and cigarettes (0 calories), sighing a lot (0 calories) - weight loss 1 kg.

Step 4. A tentative reply to your CV: and the promise of an interview: (150 calories, equivalent to jumping on the couch for 1 minute, or furtively interfering with yourself) - weight loss 1.5kg

Step 5. Job interview and inevitable rebuttal: (130 calories; equivalent to 8 minutes of bad sex, when you just lay there like sack of potatoes) - weight loss 2 kg.

Step 6. Curl up foetal in your garage with a bag of dog biscuits: (300 calories)

4 comments:

K said...

Ouch ouch.
I'm stomach is in an empathetic twist.
You need avos and tequila. It'll make you believe in hope and love again.

Brett said...

try appendectomy surgery followed by week-long stay in hospital - come out 5 kg lighter...

fush and chips said...

Been there, done that.

Shiny said...

Fluff it out a bit, turn it into a book, and get a publisher. Diets sell like hot cakes. Hmm, maybe the wrong metaphor when talking about diets, but you get my gist... x