Wednesday, 18 February 2009

I Have Man Tits


I could never be a woman. If I was, I’d never leave the house. I’d just stand in front of the mirror and play with my breasts all day.

Storm in an B Cup
Having moobs is sadly not quite the same. In the mirror fantasy, I’m a nubile, 18 year-old Alyson Hannigan (above), not a metabolically-challenged 37 year-old in need of an A Cup. With no more exercise than walking the dogs, my body's like a late-model mom’s station wagon that ferries my brain around.

Cherchez La Femme
Before I went out with the P, the Alcoholic Anorexic Sexual Voldemort- She Who Shall Not Be Named- I weighed 80kg and had a body. A damn nice one too; as an ex of mine reluctantly remarked. When I met P, I was brimming with sunshine and confidence. She left me sectioned under the 1983 Mental Health Act.

P treated me like shit, so I responded defiantly by moping on the couch, eating buckets of fried chicken, chain-smoking, and drinking heroic amounts of whatever alcohol was at hand. I got fatter and fatter, until I couldn’t remember the last time we had sex with the light on.

She’s long gone, but I remain on the sofa.

16 comments:

Reya Mellicker said...

Inertia is a mighty force, but not impossible to overcome. C'mon, get up, go for a walk. c'mon.

fush and chips said...

You're right, Reya. I feel a bike ride coming on.

The dumbbells and crunches will have to wait, though.

Tessa said...

I suppose one way of resolving the moob situation would be to become an Alcohlic Anorexic by following the ex-P's example.

Tessa said...

I think I mean Alcoholic...although Alcohlic sounds more needy somehow.

fush and chips said...

Tessa,
God knows I've tried the alcoholic part, but the anorexia eludes me...

Mud in the City said...

Moobs be gone!

It is sunny where you are so you have no excuse - get outside and go for a walk/bike ride/run.

Then you can go home and play with teh A cups with a clear conscience.

Mud in the City said...

So - you either need a really short girl, or some serious press ups.

My press ups are rubbish, but then I'm supposed to have boobs!

fush and chips said...

Mud,
I'm actually not too unfit. It's just my main exercise is cycling, and hiking. So... I've got great legs, but upper body remains well, yes.

Mud in the City said...

Otter Trail looks stunning, as you say, there is something hugely satisfying in putting your energies into something outdoorsy and physical, and succeeding.

Time for another hike?

fush and chips said...

Indeed. I'm off for a three-day in the Magaliesberg next weekend.

Shiny said...

You know... the training bras these days can be quite fetching x

Miranda said...

My very first snog had man boobs. He was called Tasso. Everyone at school called him Tasso Dairy Products. Meanies.

They'll go I'm sure and then you may even miss them...

Miranda said...

oh and PS - I bet they're not THAT bad!

fush and chips said...

Shiny,
In don't quite see myself trying on training bras in Woolies.

Miranda,
Miss them? No. They're not too bad, as long I keep wearing the kaftan.

PS. Like your bump pics.

karen said...

oh..very funny, as ever!! :-)

Janelle said...

seriously sulking. where the bloody hell is My Comment? ? ....? flip.