Wednesday, 12 November 2008

I'm All Man, Dammit!

A friend chided me over drinks last night that my previous Beasties and Noo-noos post was the work of a big girl's blouse, a total jessie.  This stung, and I wept with impotent rage into my Guinness. Despite a paralysing  fear of pachyderms, the rest of me is all man, dammit.

I’ve decided to settle this with a scorecard, ledgering up  man and mouse qualities, on a scale of 10 down to -10. 10 equals testosterone-crazed,  hatchet-wielding Last of the Mohicans manliness, and -10 is equivalent to a lace-cuffed,  Little Lord Fauntleroy weeping over a spilt blancmange.

  • I wrassle Parktown prawns with my bare hands (3 points)
  • I can handle a motorbike on mud or tar, and have been over 230km/hour (8 points) 
  • I fired my first shotgun at six (4 points)
  • At nine, I killed a plump, succulent cane rat with a home-made bow and arrow. (4 points)
  • Then I cooked it over a fire and ate it (10 points)
  • I read Hemingway (2 points) 
  • I completely caught fire once, and acted nonchalant (6 points)  
  • I have an incredibly high pain threshold. When my appendix burst, I thought it was just a bad curry. (9 points)
  • I won an eye-to-eye staring competition with a chav ostrich (4 points)
  • I pull fat tics off dogs with my bare hands (2 points)
  • My record at skipping stones over water is nine bounces (4 points) 
  • I use angle grinders with no goggles (4 stupidity points)    
                          • I always cry at the end of What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (-4 points)    
                          • At eight, I was menaced by a crow (-5 points)      
                          • I’m terrified of mimes (-8 points)       
                          • Lifts (elevators) unsettle me deeply (-4  points)    
                          • I do not enjoy open water (-7 points)       
                          • I hate flying (-6 points)      
                          • I will never skydive (-7 points)       
                          • I once read a Marian Keyes book (-10 points)         
                          • I am morally opposed to aubergine in all forms (-2 points)        
                          • I can’t fix stuff for shit (-4 points)       
                          • I go foetal during arguments with girlfriends (-7 points)       
                          • I panic at small children on a sugar rush, stampeding en masse (-8 points)     
                          • I quiver at lions, elephants, crocodiles etc- anything that preys on humans, seen from a range of less than 1km. (-6 points)
                                                  Total manly points: 59 Total mouse points: -74

                                                  Sigh, so I'm a jessie by over 15 points. I'm off to read sensitive poetry in a puffy lace shirt.



                                                  tam said...

                                                  The aubergine thing is in the wrong column though. No self respecting manlyman attempts either aubergine or quiche.

                                                  Jeannie said...

                                                  I loved this! Laughed out loud :-) Agree with Tam though, re the aubergine and quiche. And my relationship with my husband nearly didn't happen because the first time we went out for a drink together he ordered a white wine spritzer. My romantic illusions in tatters, I settled down for a night of getting to know my latest gay best friend - only to be shocked rigid when he kissed me! He was so horrified when I told him what I'd thought that he's only drunk beer since :-)

                                                  The Dotterel said...

                                                  Terrified of MIMES? Is that spelt correctly?

                                                  Kate said...

                                                  Woop - oh dear. I agree - reworking the columns somewhat would leave you styling on the manliness stakes. Children on sugar? Running for the hills in blind panic shows not only manliness, but wisdom and insight.

                                                  Janelle said...

                                                  oh riotous. makes me totally mad about you! x j

                                                  Suburbia said...

                                                  Laughing a lot!!

                                                  Found you at.....oh I can't remeber, but I found you anyway ;)

                                                  Chimera said...

                                                  This seems to me more then perfectly balanced - althoguh if you can do Parkside Prawns and yet not lions (or mimes) i am baffled ...
                                                  Bloody brilliantly funny post! You are marvellous.
                                                  t x

                                                  Reya Mellicker said...

                                                  Oh my god. Thank god for you! You are soooo funny, clever, excellent in every way, really you are, little lord fauntelroy.

                                                  Or whatever.

                                                  Children high on sugar are completely terrifying. Even for manly men. They are.

                                                  fush and chips said...

                                                  Thanks reya.
                                                  The reason they make little kids walk in crocodiles? So they don't stampede.