I’m planning a writing assignment in Chobe National Park, in Botswana. I should be excited, but instead I’m terrified. Chobe is one of Africa’s great wildernesses, teeming with animals, many of which prey on humans.
Ostrich Hairy Eyeball
I’m terrified of wild beasties. The Big Five may look cute while leafing through National Geographic - but up close and personal they’re SCARY. My aversion hasn’t been helped by being snapped at by crocodiles, charged by elephants, chased (on foot) by rhino, lunged at by hippos, and been given the hairy eyeball by ostriches. If anything larger than a cane rat approaches the car I bolt like Seabiscuit.
Unlike many blithe tourists, I’ve seen what a rhino can do to a two-ton Landrover. I’ve also watched someone get stung by a waddling scorpion as fat as my ex’s arse.
Whiskey and Ketamine
I’m hoping the Chobe staff can supply an Abrams tank for game viewing, or a telescope so I can witness nature from the safety the bar terrace. Failing that, I plan to blot out the terror with massive amounts of Jameson whiskey and horse tranquilizers.
Miranda, Tam, any suggestions?