Wednesday, 3 March 2010

8 Ways to Die

1. Moped Collision
A long-time favourite. A train-spotter’s death at a blistering 20km per hour.

2. Rooftop Stilt Disco
Deadly boogiedown. Music by Earth, Wind & Fire, and The Pointer Sisters.

3. Pylon Piss Fight
Electricity pylon tightrope, with opponents crazed and bladder brimful with Tennants’ Special.

4. Mobster Cuckoldry
An ill-advised dashboard tryst with a hoop-earringed, stretch-denimed, pink-lipsticked mafia poppie* in the South of Jo’burg, that ends in boot of same car at the bottom of Wemmer Pan.

5. Elvis Heart Attack
Fat, bloated on the toilet after a Krakatoa Richter-scale bowel movement.

6. Anchorchute
Sky-diving variant with parachute replaced by a six-ton anchor.

7. Predetermined Russian Roulette
Gun fun with six live rounds and no empty chambers.

8. Commuter Train Roof-surfing
Decapitation by overhead wires a possibility. Death after disgruntled commuters regularly burn down the trains that get them to work a certainty.

*Tart, Slapper. Sexual junk food.

5 comments:

Shiny said...

I love, love, love your definition of "poppie" - sexual junk food. Had me sniggering loudly. Which I need today. Don't, please, go anchorchuting, the world needs you x

Mud in the City said...

And which are you aiming for?

Janelle said...

or get shot in the tummy by a stray bullet whilst sipping a kili after work. x j

darrylhebbes said...

floor - me - on - laughing

black humour will do that to you.

Anonymous said...

7. Aka. Serbian Semi-automatic Suicide.