Tuesday, 16 September 2008

Inanimate Things That Annoy Me

Aubergine
The Saddam Hussein of vegetables. The taste, the texture, and the smugly self-satisfied look of an aubergine drive me to distraction. We were vegan growing up, and aubergine is the sine qua non of every vegan meal. I couldn’t stand it then, and I loathe it now. To this day I can smell a sliver of the stuff in an acre of lasagne. I’d rather find a finger in my pasta.

The Washing Machine
When our washing machine has finished, it lets you and (your postcode) know with a heart-stopping mechanical keening sound, like a flat-lining heart rate monitor, or a bawling baby appliance that needs a nappy change. This continues at 2 minute intervals, till you stop what you’re doing, mission to the scullery, and pull the plug. Since the instructions are in German, my best efforts with a phrase book have failed to find the words “Bitte machen Sie es aufhält!“ anywhere on its knobs and dials.

South African Bandwidth
Costly, temperamental, and slow as lichen. Not so much information superhighway, more a string and two tin cans. I spend a lot of time gazing at blank white loading screens. It'd be quicker to fax the internet, page by page.

9 comments:

Jeannie said...

"It is when my umbrella turns inside out that I am convinced of the utter depravity of inanimate things".

And when the landline and therefore the ADSL fail (due to a "bulk fault". Huh?) for an entire afternoon, stranding me with no phone, no VOIP phone, no email, no Facebook, no instant messenger, no Google...

Thankfully, we are back online, slow or otherwise. My washing machine, by the way, was sold as an almost silent model. It is, until the cycle finishes, whereupon it sings out at the top of its inanimate voice an aria fit to wake the dead. Sigh.

Angela said...

Shall I teach you some German so you can communicate with your washing machine? What are the swear words you want to learn?

fush and chips said...

Angela,
Any translation for "Please stop, godamm you!" would be great.

sandy said...

the goddam bleeping washing machine. mine (also german) incurs my wrath twice a week. freezer, oven, fair enough, but who cares about the BLOODY WASHING? kids have taught me extended endurance however; more than once it gave up eventually and *I WON*.
ah, the weather may be crap in surrey but the broadband is magnificent.

fush and chips said...

sandy,
Maybe if I just out wait the infernal washing machine, it'll give up a few hours of bleeps, and *I'll WIN*. A pyrrhic victory perhaps.

Right now, I think I'll take the Surrey weather if it means broadband.

Chimera said...

That aubergine description. Absolute character assasination. They ARE smug aren't they?
I find parsnips can be bitchy in groups.
T

fush and chips said...

I find beets deadly serious. Tomatoes, on the other hand are incorrigibly frivolous.

Angela said...

Hör auf, Du verdammtes Ding!
Du sollst das tun, was ICH sage! Du sollst gefälligst meine Wäsche waschen und nicht alles besser wissen!!
Und lern jetzt endlich Englisch!
Translation:
Stop, you damn thing!
You are supposed to do what I say!
You are here to wash my clothes and not try to be smart!!
And now begin to learn English!
Good enough?

fush and chips said...

Angela,
That made me chuckle. Am sternly advancing on the washing machine as we speak.