Thursday, 9 December 2010

The Chatsworth Pocket Rocket™

My wheels. Yesterday.

I pranged my car. Again. A margarine-tub styled SUV breeder-carrier and my Ford Fiesta had a frank exchange of views, and despite my swerving vehicular bons mots, two tons of Land Rover Discovery won the argument. So, while my babe anti-magnet mobile gets repaired, my insurance pays for a rental car.

The Fast and the Mildly Annoyed
At first, I was lumped with a new Volkswagen Polo 1.4. Reliable, bland, and slow as an asthmatic ant carrying some heavy shopping. Kinda like that nice, jolly-hockeysticks god-fearing gingham-frocked girl your parents want you to marry, but who’s exciting as argyle socks. So I returned to Avis and demanded something with a bit more oomph.

My Chatsworth Pocket Rocket
Oomph is a garish Renault Clio 1.6 S (see above). Chatsworth, for the uninitiated, is an Indian suburb of Durban teeming with callow boy racers driving souped up, ghastly blinged-out little city cars. They drag-race on Friday nights, rending the humid summer air with the roaring, under-powered whine of chromed exhausts and the screech of mag wheels.

In short, my new ride is classy as a slutty, wit kak* Benoni** girl, who’s dirty, been with sailors, and will do anything for a litre bottle of Coke. Sexual junk food.

No matter. Crank up this song, rev to 7000rpm, and damn the speed bumps. Expect my speedy obituary.

* Wit kak (Afrikaans- ‘white-shit’): white trash.
** Benoni: Southern low-income suburb of Johannesburg, peopled with mullet-shorn wit kak.

5 comments:

Colin said...

In Oz we have 'hoons' - boyracer types who drive pimped-up V8 Holden Commodores and Ford Falcons so big you could fit a Clio 1.6S in the boot. Same shit, different bucket.

martin said...

Benoni is EASTERN, not Southern. Old chap.

Janelle said...

easy on the footpaths eh? once more, supremely funny. write more man. x j

The pale observer said...

Love your blog, but you don't post often enough! BTW - did you take down the post about Stanky??

fushandchips said...

pale observer,
Thanks, I will try to blog more often.

Had to take down the Stankie blog, it was just too awful to see it every time I logged on.