Wednesday, 2 September 2009

Coriander Chain Gang

Me. Yesterday.

“Early in da mornin’,
Massa got me workin’”

Earl Grey Man Friday
After a tad too much Chardonnay and lashings of scrummy home-made pesto Sunday last, I decided to build my own herb garden, in a well-appointed rockery nook at my new abode. I lazily dreamed of a verdant idyll of burgeoning crocuses, iris flowers, and coriander. Somewhere I could drink my morning Earl Grey, read the London Times, and summon the Moroccan boy occasionally from the kitchen to proffer sweetmeats and other attentions I deem necessary.

Sexual Frustration and a Pickaxe
As my recent attempts to woo the fairer sex have been fruitless, I have rather a lot of pent up energy, which if not martialled, could lead to regrettable onanistic misadventures. Never one afraid of hard work*, I set to digging up the rockery with a pickaxe, hacking through Jo’burg granite harder than high school algebra. After 3 hours of this I felt like I’d been building the Zimbabwe Ruins by hand.

My hands! My Hands! My soft, petal-like piano player’s hands! Hands that have done nothing more arduous than clicking a mouse, and once, feverishly unclasping a 33C bra strap back in 2004- now look like feet. Calloused, cracked, Eulactol Heel Balm™ campaign poster boy feet.

The Sweet Sweat of Others
I have offered a keen chap from the local nursery a bright, shiny, shilling to finish the bulk of the digging. I am now sitting on the couch, drinking a smooth, salubrious red, and watching his labours with enormous satisfaction.

*Preferably done by someone else in the distance, in a country with green in its flag, and legions of willing, cheap, labour.


Reya Mellicker said...

We're going to have to get you some manly gardening gloves. Definitely.

Anonymous said...

Calloused, manly hands are oh so attractive.

(or maybe that's just me?)

Joanne said...

So when can I come round for Tom yung gong (sp?) made with fresh coriander?

Shiny said...

Herbs grow in gardens? I thought they came from glass bottles on supermarket shelves...

P.S. I'm with Mud. Only up to a point though x